'Swamy' to Apple's rescue

A self-proclaimed godman from South India appears to have found the solution to the battery problems that have plagued the recently launched IPhone 4s. After being rebuffed by an Apple service center “genius” who pointed out that the battery life of the Iphone had always sucked, a couple from Omaha, Nebrasaka, USA, on vacation in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India took their phones to the ‘swami’ when they gleaned about his superpowers from a loquacious autorickshaw driver.

One of the tourists, who fearing Apple’s wrath ,wished his identity to be kept secret, lamented, “The battery lasts all of five minutes, which is barely enough time to obtain directions to Mahabalipuram from the annoyingly obtuse voice assistant Siri.” “And we felt that anything would be better than the treatment we received at the Apple store,” chimed in his wife. “However the rush hour ride in the auto proved rather taxing”, she mused, perhaps unmindful of the fact that the phrase rush hour has been rendered laughingly superfluous in India except when referring to the Jackie Chan movie by the same name.

“It is truly astounding”, gushed the man who chose to remain anonymous after visiting the godman, who calls himself the “AIP (Apple IPhone) swami” and resides in the nondescript suburb of Guduvanchaery, Chennai in a five-story mansion on a seven-acre estate. “AIP swamy tapped a few buttons, chanted a few mantras and lo and behold, I haven’t charged my phone for a week now.”

The news of the swamy’s remarkable prowess has spread through Chennai like rumors about a new Superstar movie. Ms. Chitra Subramanian, a housewife, whose son, a business analyst in NYC, sent her the phone as a birthday present, recounted, “The swami actually removed the battery altogether and made a call to my mother in KK Nagar. The phone even radiated an ethereal blue. Om Namashivaya! Om Namashivaya!” Ms. Subramanian had no qualms about going on the record and quipped “Good luck to Apple if they want to track down Chitra Subramanians in Chennai.”

Some people are now heralding this event as the second coming of Steve jobs and even anointing the swami as a reincarnation of the tech wizard. “The resemblance is spooky, he wears a dark turtleneck sweater and blue jeans of the exact same brand that Steve Jobs wore,” remarked one uncannily observant visitor, overemphasizing the word ‘exact’ unnecessarily.

Apple was unusually quick to react to the story and put out a strongly worded, albeit somewhat meandering statement on its website. “Normally, we take days or months to respond to any problems which may or may not affect our products. However, since this particular issue is really about an issue, which is not really an issue in the first place, and the original (non-) issue affects a miniscule proportion of users, we feel an exception is warranted. Notwithstanding the fact that anyone can be tracked with our mind-bogglingly sophisticated location triangulation algorithms, we strongly discourage users from taking their phones to this individual. Doing so will unequivocally void the warranty on the product and also disbar the miscreants and their progeny from purchasing any apple product in the future, ever. While intending absolutely no offence to the extremely spiritual people of India (The Department of Labor will vouch for the fact that we employ a large number of spiritual Indians as engineers), we would like to point out that it is ludicrous to contemplate that that a few vedic chants could in any way improve battery life of the Iphone, or for that matter, any phone, including for example, the Samsung Galaxy Nexus. We are taking steps to release a software update that should address this trifling bug (if indeed there is one) in the coming months. We would also request that our users respect the difficult times we are facing after the passing of our beloved CEO and guru, and take a sympathetic view of any delays that may transpire. We would also like to remind everyone of our ignominious last financial quarter, barely scraping together a profit of $6.62 billion and missing the estimates of just about every financial analyst with half a degree in Finance, including Ms. Chitra Subramainian’s son.”

Meanwhile, AIP swamy seems to be steadily adding to his faithful followers despite Apple’s proscription, and one can only speculate that the trickle could turn into a flood, given Iphone’s launch date of 24th November in this country and our population of 1+ billion, most of whom are incidentally above the poverty line of Rs. 32 per day and can thus readily afford not just one, but even two Iphones per family.

The dawn, like a stranger’s smile,
Promised warmth thoughtfully tended,
Only for cold winds to defile,
And snatch the moment before it ended.

Patti

My grandmother passed away yesterday. And as I wrestle with my emotions, my mind in surprising lucidity, summons forth an incident related to me later by my parents. I am about a year old, and we are returning after visiting my grandparents in Chennai. Unfortunately, I am under the misconception that they are accompanying us, and when realization to the contrary dawns on me, I start bawling at the top of my lungs for my grandmother. I refused to be consoled even by my mother, and cause some consternation to my parents who have to contend with the suspicious stares of the other passengers and ultimately disembark.

She was a remarkable woman, my “Patti”. Sure, she shared some of the stereotypical qualities associated with those of her ilk, like her panache for collecting discarded wallets and her unshakeable belief in the healing prowess of Bengay. But it is also safe to say that had she had been born two generations later, she would have a Wikipedia entry dedicated to her exploits.

When I was born, she composed a song for me. She set the whole “Thiruvaymozhi” to her own tune. Her rendering of “Shankarabaranam” was pitch perfect. When she was younger, she had stories published in various magazines. Her ‘vatha-kozhambu’ was legendary. She could debate fiercely about politics and expound glibly on mythology. Her passion for cricket and tennis was something to behold. She had a special place in her heart for Roger Federer and probably shed a rare tear when he lost to Nadal in ”that” Wimbledon final. She was not without her faults, but none clouded her character – one that inspired a deep sense of respect, warmth and love in everyone who knew her intimately.

As the sun sets on another day here in another part of the world, I feel her absence transcending the miles separating me from home. Yet, tomorrow is another day, one in which I will have to strive hard to be half the person she so effortlessly was.