'Swamy' to Apple's rescue

A self-proclaimed godman from South India appears to have found the solution to the battery problems that have plagued the recently launched IPhone 4s. After being rebuffed by an Apple service center “genius” who pointed out that the battery life of the Iphone had always sucked, a couple from Omaha, Nebrasaka, USA, on vacation in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India took their phones to the ‘swami’ when they gleaned about his superpowers from a loquacious autorickshaw driver.

One of the tourists, who fearing Apple’s wrath ,wished his identity to be kept secret, lamented, “The battery lasts all of five minutes, which is barely enough time to obtain directions to Mahabalipuram from the annoyingly obtuse voice assistant Siri.” “And we felt that anything would be better than the treatment we received at the Apple store,” chimed in his wife. “However the rush hour ride in the auto proved rather taxing”, she mused, perhaps unmindful of the fact that the phrase rush hour has been rendered laughingly superfluous in India except when referring to the Jackie Chan movie by the same name.

“It is truly astounding”, gushed the man who chose to remain anonymous after visiting the godman, who calls himself the “AIP (Apple IPhone) swami” and resides in the nondescript suburb of Guduvanchaery, Chennai in a five-story mansion on a seven-acre estate. “AIP swamy tapped a few buttons, chanted a few mantras and lo and behold, I haven’t charged my phone for a week now.”

The news of the swamy’s remarkable prowess has spread through Chennai like rumors about a new Superstar movie. Ms. Chitra Subramanian, a housewife, whose son, a business analyst in NYC, sent her the phone as a birthday present, recounted, “The swami actually removed the battery altogether and made a call to my mother in KK Nagar. The phone even radiated an ethereal blue. Om Namashivaya! Om Namashivaya!” Ms. Subramanian had no qualms about going on the record and quipped “Good luck to Apple if they want to track down Chitra Subramanians in Chennai.”

Some people are now heralding this event as the second coming of Steve jobs and even anointing the swami as a reincarnation of the tech wizard. “The resemblance is spooky, he wears a dark turtleneck sweater and blue jeans of the exact same brand that Steve Jobs wore,” remarked one uncannily observant visitor, overemphasizing the word ‘exact’ unnecessarily.

Apple was unusually quick to react to the story and put out a strongly worded, albeit somewhat meandering statement on its website. “Normally, we take days or months to respond to any problems which may or may not affect our products. However, since this particular issue is really about an issue, which is not really an issue in the first place, and the original (non-) issue affects a miniscule proportion of users, we feel an exception is warranted. Notwithstanding the fact that anyone can be tracked with our mind-bogglingly sophisticated location triangulation algorithms, we strongly discourage users from taking their phones to this individual. Doing so will unequivocally void the warranty on the product and also disbar the miscreants and their progeny from purchasing any apple product in the future, ever. While intending absolutely no offence to the extremely spiritual people of India (The Department of Labor will vouch for the fact that we employ a large number of spiritual Indians as engineers), we would like to point out that it is ludicrous to contemplate that that a few vedic chants could in any way improve battery life of the Iphone, or for that matter, any phone, including for example, the Samsung Galaxy Nexus. We are taking steps to release a software update that should address this trifling bug (if indeed there is one) in the coming months. We would also request that our users respect the difficult times we are facing after the passing of our beloved CEO and guru, and take a sympathetic view of any delays that may transpire. We would also like to remind everyone of our ignominious last financial quarter, barely scraping together a profit of $6.62 billion and missing the estimates of just about every financial analyst with half a degree in Finance, including Ms. Chitra Subramainian’s son.”

Meanwhile, AIP swamy seems to be steadily adding to his faithful followers despite Apple’s proscription, and one can only speculate that the trickle could turn into a flood, given Iphone’s launch date of 24th November in this country and our population of 1+ billion, most of whom are incidentally above the poverty line of Rs. 32 per day and can thus readily afford not just one, but even two Iphones per family.

The dawn, like a stranger’s smile,
Promised warmth thoughtfully tended,
Only for cold winds to defile,
And snatch the moment before it ended.

Patti

My grandmother passed away yesterday. And as I wrestle with my emotions, my mind in surprising lucidity, summons forth an incident related to me later by my parents. I am about a year old, and we are returning after visiting my grandparents in Chennai. Unfortunately, I am under the misconception that they are accompanying us, and when realization to the contrary dawns on me, I start bawling at the top of my lungs for my grandmother. I refused to be consoled even by my mother, and cause some consternation to my parents who have to contend with the suspicious stares of the other passengers and ultimately disembark.

She was a remarkable woman, my “Patti”. Sure, she shared some of the stereotypical qualities associated with those of her ilk, like her panache for collecting discarded wallets and her unshakeable belief in the healing prowess of Bengay. But it is also safe to say that had she had been born two generations later, she would have a Wikipedia entry dedicated to her exploits.

When I was born, she composed a song for me. She set the whole “Thiruvaymozhi” to her own tune. Her rendering of “Shankarabaranam” was pitch perfect. When she was younger, she had stories published in various magazines. Her ‘vatha-kozhambu’ was legendary. She could debate fiercely about politics and expound glibly on mythology. Her passion for cricket and tennis was something to behold. She had a special place in her heart for Roger Federer and probably shed a rare tear when he lost to Nadal in ”that” Wimbledon final. She was not without her faults, but none clouded her character – one that inspired a deep sense of respect, warmth and love in everyone who knew her intimately.

As the sun sets on another day here in another part of the world, I feel her absence transcending the miles separating me from home. Yet, tomorrow is another day, one in which I will have to strive hard to be half the person she so effortlessly was.

'Swami' to Apple's rescue

A self-proclaimed godman from South India appears to have found the solution to the battery problems that have plagued the recently launched IPhone 4s. After being rebuffed by an Apple service center “genius” who pointed out that the battery life of the Iphone had always sucked, a couple from Omaha, Nebrasaka, USA, on vacation in Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India took their phones to the ‘swami’ when they gleaned about his superpowers from a loquacious autorickshaw driver.

One of the tourists, who fearing Apple’s wrath ,wished his identity to be kept secret, lamented, “The battery lasts all of five minutes, which is barely enough time to obtain directions to Mahabalipuram from the annoyingly obtuse voice assistant Siri.” “And we felt that anything would be better than the treatment we received at the Apple store,” chimed in his wife. “However the rush hour ride in the auto proved rather taxing”, she mused, perhaps unmindful of the fact that the phrase rush hour has been rendered laughingly superfluous in India except when referring to the Jackie Chan movie by the same name.

“It is truly astounding”, gushed the man who chose to remain anonymous after visiting the godman, who calls himself the “AIP (Apple IPhone) swami” and resides in the nondescript suburb of Guduvanchaery, Chennai in a five-story mansion on a seven-acre estate. “AIP swamy tapped a few buttons, chanted a few mantras and lo and behold, I haven’t charged my phone for a week now.”

The news of the swamy’s remarkable prowess has spread through Chennai like rumors about a new Superstar movie. Ms. Chitra Subramanian, a housewife, whose son, a business analyst in NYC, sent her the phone as a birthday present, recounted, “The swami actually removed the battery altogether and made a call to my mother in KK Nagar. The phone even radiated an ethereal blue. Om Namashivaya! Om Namashivaya!” Ms. Subramanian had no qualms about going on the record and quipped “Good luck to Apple if they want to track down Chitra Subramanians in Chennai.”

Some people are now heralding this event as the second coming of Steve jobs and even anointing the swami as a reincarnation of the tech wizard. “The resemblance is spooky, he wears a dark turtleneck sweater and blue jeans of the exact same brand that Steve Jobs wore,” remarked one uncannily observant visitor, overemphasizing the word ‘exact’ unnecessarily.

Apple was unusually quick to react to the story and put out a strongly worded, albeit somewhat meandering statement on its website. “Normally, we take days or months to respond to any problems which may or may not affect our products. However, since this particular issue is really about an issue, which is not really an issue in the first place, and the original (non-) issue affects a miniscule proportion of users, we feel an exception is warranted. Notwithstanding the fact that anyone can be tracked with our mind-bogglingly sophisticated location triangulation algorithms, we strongly discourage users from taking their phones to this individual. Doing so will unequivocally void the warranty on the product and also disbar the miscreants and their progeny from purchasing any apple product in the future, ever. While intending absolutely no offence to the extremely spiritual people of India (The Department of Labor will vouch for the fact that we employ a large number of spiritual Indians as engineers), we would like to point out that it is ludicrous to contemplate that that a few vedic chants could in any way improve battery life of the Iphone, or for that matter, any phone, including for example, the Samsung Galaxy Nexus. We are taking steps to release a software update that should address this trifling bug (if indeed there is one) in the coming months. We would also request that our users respect the difficult times we are facing after the passing of our beloved CEO and guru, and take a sympathetic view of any delays that may transpire. We would also like to remind everyone of our ignominious last financial quarter, barely scraping together a profit of $6.62 billion and missing the estimates of just about every financial analyst with half a degree in Finance, including Ms. Chitra Subramainian’s son.”

Meanwhile, AIP swamy seems to be steadily adding to his faithful followers despite Apple’s proscription, and one can only speculate that the trickle could turn into a flood, given Iphone’s launch date of 24th November in this country and our population of 1+ billion, most of whom are incidentally above the poverty line of Rs. 32 per day and can thus readily afford not just one, but even two Iphones per family.

I am a wave,
Thrust from seminal passage.
Inchoate yet restless,
A denouement I crave.
In suspended stupor,
Darkness my succor.
Master of locomotion,
Fettered but free.
Until rough sands strip me naked,
With gumption.

Choking on morning mist
Pungent with hope.
Faithfully I reflect,
In my limpid blue,
Images they seek.
Like a young leaf,
Smooth and plaid,
From fractal contours of time,
I shrink in dread.
Enervated, I whimper,
Was I borne?
Or am I dead?

Hair and there

After Darrell Hair penalized Pakistan for ball tampering, one could be forgiven for losing the plot amidst the ensuing fracas- the accusations, the denials, the conspiracy theories and the racist rhetoric. Today, even a week after the controversy, a new twist is being added to the story everyday, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to go back to that pivotal moment that set off all these events to ask ourselves why Darrell Hair did what he did.

I believe this question has no easy answer- I do not think that Hair is much more or much less of a racist than any current international umpire, white or black, Asian or Australian. I also do not think that he acted out of concern for the spirit and well-being of cricket. Some may say that he wanted to attract attention to himself- after all, nothing sells like a good controversy. This may well be the case, but I would be surprised if there isn't more to it than a badly executed publicity gimmick. What is more, at a deeper, more subconscious level, I do not think that even Hair knows the answer to the question.

If we step back a bit and analyze the event itself in a more global context, we will find similar instances all round us. In India, Tehelka and a number of other 'undercover' operations target specific institutions or individuals. The invasion of Iraq is ostensibly aimed at 'restoring democracy' and equipping the Iraqis with the ability to 'govern themselves' . Some countries are allowed to build nuclear stockpiles, while some others are threatened with sanctions for even developing nuclear programs. 'Suspicious' individuals are subjected to phone-taps (without any concrete justification) and random searches at airports. The CBI brings charges against certain popular celebrities for tax-evasion. Some music swappers in the US are docked with huge fines for violating copyright laws, while others, who are protected by the laws of their respective countries are allowed to escape similar punishment.

The common denominator in each of these cases is guilt. The individual or organization involved is most certainly culpable of some crime, albeit of varying gravities.

Should they then penalized? Is punishing them a way of setting an example for others ? Is this one of the ways of ensuring that others do not commit these offenses?

Unfortunately the answer to each of these questions is a vehement no.

The reason is simple. In every one of such cases, the motives behind the punitive correction, meted out to a small proportion of the guilty are purely selfish, and the the benefits are enjoyed by a very small self serving minority, as opposed to a society, or more generally, a people . Consequently, it cannot act as a deterrent to the remaining majority. This majority can continue to violate the same laws, with impunity if they wish, fully confident in the knowledge that they are well beyond their reach. Some ministers will continue to take bribes because Tehelka will never install hidden cameras in their homes, some countries will continue to amass weapons because the UN will never stop them and some bowlers will continue to tamper with the ball because they will always be above scrutiny.

Picture this. You know that the same cop is always present at an intersection you pass through on your way to work everyday- but you also know that he only pulls over Hondas. And you drive a Toyota Camry. You have a meeting at 10:00 AM and the time is 9:59 AM. Will you or won't you speed?

Therein lies the malaise of subjective justice.

What's with the bloody English?

Let me make a few things sparkling clear at the very 'freaking' beginning- I don't resent British for their colonial history. I love their accent - especially when the speaker is Liz Hurley. I love Geoffrey Boycott. I don't mind Kate Winslet one bit. D.H. Lawrence and Ian McEwan (both British) are among my favorite authors.

But...I just hate the bloody England cricket team. And I hate their bloody football team.

Anyone who has been following cricket in the past year, however superficially, will agree that the behavior of the English cricketers has been obnoxious. And, so has the way they have played. Ever since they won the Ashes they have been strutting around with an air of imperiousness, their heads in the clouds, not deigning to honor us ordinary mortals with as much as a glance.

Well, there's nothing wrong in feeling proud about what you have achieved. And England achieved something remarkable last summer. And they did it by playing enthralling cricket of the highest pedigree. But what do they have to show for themselves since- a couple of drawn test series, injuries to most of their players and a shambolic one day team that even the Austin Weekend Warriors( that's our now disbanded cricketing venture) would fancy their chances against.

And the excuses have been flying thick and fast, encouraged in no little measure by columnists, ex-cricketers and an adoring British public. Frankly, it is an insult to the spectators and fans if England 'does not take one day cricket seriously'. It’s like finding out midway through a concert that the artist is actually miming. And as for injuries to their players, keeping fit is a significant responsibility of any sportsman. If you breakdown for 10 months after playing in two games, you don't deserve to be in an international side. It seems to me like the entire English cricketing world is indulging in an operation of self deception, conning themselves into believing that they are good, when they actually suck.

As for the football team, the results are there for everyone to see. England is a vastly overrated team - thanks again to a sycophantic media. Their captain scores once every three years and probably doesn’t have a single goal to his name that did not come from a set piece. One of their star strikers hasn't scored in 20 odd games and another was stretchered off, sans a foul from the opposition. They have good midfielders but so do 15 other teams in the world cup. They play the hopeful longball in 9 out of 10 attacking moves. And to cap it all their coach claims they 'aren't there to entertain'.

Well, its time someone asked the British, "Just who the fuck do you think you are?"